Vampires, Herpes and Pork

Filip was sitting in the dining room smoking a cigarette beside the open window,

'Can you hear the vampires?' He called to me casually.

I was sitting in my room, right off the dining room, reading. But this made me stop.

'What!?' I asked as I stood and walked out of my room.

'Listen, you can hear the vampires.'

His face was deadpan so I knew something had to be amiss, my first thought was that if he could hear vampires that we really ought to close the windows and grab some garlic.

'Vampires?' I asked, hoping that my tone would convey equal parts humor and horror at the prospect of vampires vocalizing themselves outside our window.

He nodded, so I listened. Tilting my head towards the open window I stayed quiet until I heard the screech.

'Oh! BATS!' I exclaimed, Filip nodded like that's what he had been saying all along.

This is my entertainment, just as I know Czechs find my inability to speak their language comical, which is discernible every time I attempt it, the minor slips of words in otherwise coherent English sentences is my simple pleasure.

One of my favourite parts of speaking to people for whom English is not their first language are the translations. It's not even that the sentences or words are necessarily incorrect, it's just not the first word you would use if it was your first language. Like how my boss, in her late 50's refers to her dad as her 'daddy', a term generally only used when you by small children or when you want something.

Last year one of the children at the kindergarten, David, had a cut on his lip. When I asked him what had happened. He stopped and thought about it and then replied,

'It's opar.'

I looked to Petra the Czech teacher for help. She thought about it for a moment

'It's like a cut, but not...'

Unable to explain it further she grabbed the Czech-English dictionary and looked it up.

'Herpes.' She stated matter of factly.

'Herpes. It's a Herpes.' David repeated in a sing song tone, happy to have learnt another word.

I burst out laughing, trying hard to compose myself.

'No, no, no....well, technically yes, but no... Cold Sore. It's a Cold Sore.' A six year old proudly announcing that he had herpes, I thought shaking my head, dear Lord I hoped he didn't go home saying that to his mother.

Well herpes is the correct medical term it's not exactly something you would run around broadcasting if you were a native speaker, if you know what I mean.

Last year my roommate, Jana, and I were on a walk in the mountains just outside of Liberec, as we wandered through the woods, I wondered if there were any large animals in the Czech Republic and more specifically these very woods. Where I come from the idea of a cougar pouncing out to taste you isn't entirely implausible, so I figured I should ask for good measure.

Jana responded, 'Pork, before it's pork.'

Well luckily it's before it's pork, it would be awfully frightening to be taken down by a rack of ribs or an army of bacon. Of course you don't say that, so I just smiled and suggested,

"Pig?"

"Yes! Pig!" She confirmed, laughing. Jana speaks English very well, the comment was made because of a momentary lapse in memory not because she knew the word pork and not pig, although knowing the Czech diet that wouldn't entirely surprise me.

She warned me that while that didn't sound overly threatening, that the wild pigs were in fact rather aggressive and not something we would like to encounter. Indicating with her fingers that they had small tusks. Apparently due to zealous poaching, large predators such as bears, wolves and lynx have disappeared from the Czech forests. And so we are left to roam amongst the vampires and wild pork.

Climbing Nut (August 2009)

'What are some traditional ways to celebrate Indonesian Independence Day?' I asked my students.
 

I was teaching an IELTS preparation class, (IELTS is an exam that allows universities and colleges to confirm that all international students have adequate English skills to succeed in their courses prior to acceptance), though most of these students could read and write effortlessly they were ordinarily too shy to speak so we often spent at least half an hour discussing random topics using comfortable subjects for them and with Indonesian Independence Day coming up I figured it could double as a lesson for me on traditional ways to celebrate.
 

I leaned back against the board expecting answers along the lines of: 'We spend time with family' or 'We eat traditional foods and sing songs'. So when one student answered:

'We climb up a palm tree to get prizes from the top.' I stared blankly. I thought maybe I had misheard him, but he went on, 'they grease the trunk and put prizes at the top.'

I couldn't help it, I was intrigued. 'What kind of prizes...?'

'Big stuff, like....televisions!'

'And bicycles!', added another eager student.

'And refrigerators', put in one of the quieter ones.

'Wait. What? No...'
 

I started to shake my head, this couldn't be right, I was sure something was being lost in translation. I mean how on earth would one get a refrigerator UP a palm tree, let alone balance it there? Not to mention that climbing a palm tree seemed hard enough without lubricating the trunk of it.

But they all nodded while I continued to stare at them perplexed. I slowly turned to the board and drew a picture of a palm tree, it wasn't a very good one, more like something a 4 year old would draw, but it was obvious enough and they all nodded that yes that was in fact a palm tree. These weren't children, these were adults, adults who spoke English better than some native English speakers, of course that's not saying a lot when you consider how some native speakers mutilate the language. But still. Greased up trees with fridges at the top?
 

'But without the leaves.' They suggested examining my poor illustration.
 

So I turned back to the board and rubbed the leaves off with my hand and drew a bike at the top. They snickered a bit but they continued nodding. I had the sneaking suspicion that they were pulling one over on me. It didn't seem plausible to expect people to shimmy up booby trapped tree to retrieve prizes, even if it was a bike. But then images of Japanese and American game shows played in my mind and I came to the conclusion that people the world over will do daft things for very little incentive.
 

After class I decided to google this supposed tradition and as it turns out as absurd as it sounds, it's real. “Panjat Pinang” is the official name and the literal translation is 'Climbing Nut', which makes sense in more ways than one, since you are voluntarily climbing a greasy tree to remove heavy objects and that said tree just so happens to be a nut tree.
 

The tradition has controversial roots since it was started by the Dutch during colonial times, when they would erect greased up poles with food or clothes atop them in villages and laugh at the impoverished locals as they tried to climb up to retrieve the goods.
 

But it seems the Indonesians have managed to change a demeaning practice in to a community building game. Since it is virtually impossible for one person to complete the task alone a group of men work together like an all male cheerleading team forming human pyramids while a boy climbs to the top to remove the objects which are shared amongst the participants. The boy part makes sense in that he is not heavy, but very little sense when you try to imagine a child lifting a fridge. Maybe not the most well thought out plan. I wonder what the fatality rate is from falling appliances?

Perhaps a new way to celebrate Canada Day? Though I am still not sure of the logistics of a communal fridge...