The end of my Jakarta life ( Dec 2009)

One year that I have lived in this crazy country How on earth do I sum it up?

I think I will actually miss "the big durian" (guide books tell you that this is a nickname for Jakarta, though I have never heard it used, it fits...and anyone who knows what a Durian smells like has an idea of just how lovely Jakarta is to the nasal senses...a mixture of rotting garbage, smokey satay and fried foods, plus the added unidentifiable but powerful smells which emit from the river on hot days (which is every day), mix that together with the fumes from the bajaj's and millions upon millions of motorcycles and you have a very unique smell....unique is perhaps a euphemism). But smell aside, durians are an acquired taste like Jakarta, something you either love or you hate. I honestly think they taste like rotting garbage where others consume such products as durian ice cream and durian creme-brulee of their own freewill... In any case it's an intriguing and obtrusive fruit that could double as a medieval weapon.

What better way to roughly sum up a year in this city than the good, the bad and the ugly:

The good:

• The people are incredibly nice and very helpful, if you look lost for even a minute you can be sure that someone will try to help you, whether or not their directions are correct is another matter in itself...but the thought is there.
• The food is yummy and cheap; luckily for me one of the teachers I work with is married to a very sweet Indonesian woman who has taught me how to make varied dishes so that I can continue to eat the food, even if wherever I am next doesn't have an Indonesian restaurant (or any Indonesians for that matter).
• The language is actually quite beautiful and not at all like a typical Asian language in that it is written in the latin alphabet, I have managed to learn a small amount and can carry simple conversations without sounding like an asylum escapee.
• The storms! There are tons of storms with lightning, thunder and monsoons! Especially during the rainy season (which is literally half the year)...I refer to it as: 'rain like in the movies!' And I don't care how many floods it causes, I still want to twirl an umbrella and hang off lamp posts when it happens, although the rats swimming by quickly deter you from spending too much time in it.
• The geckos, because they eat mosquitoes and make funny noises.
• 'Hey Mister'...depending on my mood. It will definitely be nice to walk down the street anonymously again, but I will miss being a celebrity. I suppose I would feel more strongly about this one if I had any complexes about my appearance...the suggestion that you are male is merely a misunderstanding as opposed to a reference to any androgynous features you may or may not have. I hope...
• Being told I am beautiful by strangers even when I look like a hobo or have recently been run over by a car. This is the place for Westerners in need of an ego boost. The line is thin though, they can also be very blunt and will make comments like "Your nose... It's like Pinocchio" (said to a fellow teacher) and "Miss, you look dirty" (when I came back from holiday with a tan). But Westerners like to look 'dirty' while Indonesians like to use creams that give them complexions comparable to Michael Jackson's ethnic transition stage.

The bad and the ugly....as I was writing these I realized that they fit together:

• The litter, the pollution, the over packaging of every single thing that you buy. They literally give you your drink at a fast food restaurant in a plastic bag. That's right , the one in a cup with a lid that accidentally pops off all the time...the one that is designed like that because it is consumed right away and doesn't NEED a bag. This place is Al Gore's worst nightmare.
• The taxi drivers that have no idea where anything is, even within a six block radius. In London, taxi drivers have to pass 'the Intelligence' to be able to drive people around, here you just need to steal a car and demand money from strangers for getting them lost.
• The people that try to rip you off because they assume that you are rich because you are white...although sometimes it's fun to pretend to be rich and try on designer clothes and jewellery...why yes, of course I can afford this $20,000 necklace...
• The cockroaches!!! All of them, the ones outside that chase you down the street, the ones in the cutlery drawer, the ones in the bathroom in the middle of the night that run at your feet, the one under my bed wielding a knife, the ones that I have to catch strategically with a bowl and a piece of paper, because I still can't bring myself to kill them, the ones that fly....I hate them all. Passionately.
• The rats!!! Why are they the same size as the cats??....and for that matter, why don't the cats have tails, where are their tails?? Why do the rats practice the Olympics within my walls? I also won't miss the potential of them getting in the house (or showing up unannounced in the kitchen, which has happened twice)...And I won't miss the bizarre bird-like noises that they make when I am trying to sleep.
• The mosquitoes...not only are there entire colonies of these miniature demons living in my house but there is also the added fun of potentially getting something exciting like Dengue Fever from them.
• The traffic - a distance of a few kilometers can often take an hour to get through. This even with all their strict traffic laws (HA!)...all Indonesian laws are more like guidelines (except their drug smuggling laws, for that they kill you. Literally.)...it depends on how much money you have as to which ones will apply to you.
• And forget walking because between the pollution and the large gaps in the sidewalk that drop in to open sewer, the sidewalk is as dangerous as swimming with hippopotamuses (which sounds fun till you read the stats. Hippos. Not as jolly as you would expect.)
• The corruption. Until I arrived here I had never been forced to pay a cop for no good reason. Scratch that. I had never bribed a cop, period. Though in saying that corruption has it's upside, I was able to score a goal in the national football stadium when it was closed and rode on the back of a police motorcycle with no helmet on just so that I could score points in a scavengar hunt. Try doing that in a country where you can't pay the police...
• The shoe marks on the toilet seat from people that stand on the toilets.
• The water all over the bathroom because someone was spastically using what I refer to as 'the bum spray'...I am sure there is a technical name for this device, but bum spray probably gives you a better visual. Think the spray tap you use to wash dishes but not for dishes...
• 'Indonesian time'...in short this means, slow and never on time. Unless of course you use a bribe...
• Indoor flooding! You can almost pretend you are outside on a rainy day with the leaks that have come through the roof...And outdoor flooding for that matter, a rat literally swam by our front door once...lovely.

But even with all it's craziness I still must admit that I love Indonesia, in fact that is what I love about Indonesia. I even hold a special little spot in my heart for Jakarta. I will definitely miss this country and of course it's people, who really make it what it is. I rant, but it is a special and very unique place and I am lucky to have had the chance to live here (even if it did cut a few years off my life and give me a voice that sounds like I am channeling Louis Armstrong).